No Use Crying Over Spilled Ice

I really hope that this blog post isn't over-sharing, but I really feel compelled to share this because it totally changed my perspective on a lot of things. I hope that you can relate.

In the last 6 months of frantic travel, work, schoolwork (currently at 40+ hours a week), and wedding planning life has been crazier for Dave and I than it has ever been.  I think when people get that busy with so many juggling priorities relationships get less attention than they normally do.  And thats not to say they're ignored or that there are major problems of any kind but simply that they fall somewhere in the top 5 of things going on on your life instead of the top 2.  As a result, I've been - we've been, feeling a little distanced from each other.  Let me be clear: we're not falling apart at the seams, we're just not spending the kind of quality time simply being with each other relaxing that we would normally like.

And last night, after I got back some exam scores that were good grades - no doubt they were good grades - but not what I had hoped for or expected based on the amount of time I'd invested in the courses I started to freak. out.  Dave was at acapella, and I was just trying to slowly take one task at a time and get over being a little upset. I figured - let's make myself some dinner and just put homework aside for an hour.  I started to pull out some meat for dinner - simple, right?  WRONG.  Its frozen into the ice cube tray. I patiently took everything out of the freezer and carefully removed the ziploc bag from being frozen into the ice tray only to spray ice all over the kitchen trying to put the tray back into the freezer.  Okay! Not freaking out. Going to poor myself a drink. I pulled out my pitcher of lemonade and just swirled it to mix it up and somehow it sprayed all over me and the kitchen. Okay! Not freaking out. I cleaned it up and took a glass from the cabinet and dropped it on the floor.  Okay! Still, not freaking out.  I can't even make myself a freaking drink without it causing a huge debacle, but I'm not going to freak out.  I open the freezer to get an ice cube and somehow half the freezer came crashing down.  Now I'm freaking out. FREAKING. OUT.  My life is in shambles, I have no time to myself or my friends or my fiance and on top of that none of it is paying off in my grades.

So I did what I normally never do.  I called Dave to ask him to come home.  I needed him to come home, and just be there with me and hold my shit together for me, because I could no longer do it myself.  There must have been something in my voice, because as soon as I called him the first sentence out of his mouth was "I'm coming home."  I immediately felt stupid.  I spilled ice for crying out loud. You don't need to come home, its just ice. Also, I'm losing my brain.  Allow me to demonstrate this through incoherent flipping out about school, wedding, work, and life.  Dave stayed on the phone with me his entire drive all the way until he opened the door and walked into the kitchen.  I have no idea what Dave showing up did - he didn't actively do anything. He didn't clean up the kitchen, he didn't do my homework for me he just showed up.  And told me that he would always show up, and thats when I realized something.

Thats part of what this marriage thing is going to be all about.  When I can't hold my shit together, when I'm losing my brain I know that I can count on Dave to drop everything to keep me together on my behalf, and to talk me down from the ledge.  Its a very rare thing for me to throw my hands up in the air and say '"I can't do this. I need you here."  That Dave could walk into my kitchen and just follow me around for 3 hours so I could get it together was amazing to me.  Its not an easy thing to be able to talk to someone when they're irrational and emotional in the exact way that they need you to talk to them and this is just one of the many things that Dave does that lets me know that he's my perfect match.

I don't feel bad that I freaked out - I'm glad I finally lost my cool over the insanity that is happening right now.  It demonstrated to me that when I'm at my wit's end, its all still going to be okay.  And it closed that distance between us in an instant.  I can't get through any of this alone, I can only get through it all with Dave following me as I walk in circles around the kitchen and living room venting about school.  I know this won't be the only time that things are hard, but I do know that we'll always be able to at least be together.