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I really hope that this blog post isn't over-sharing, but I really feel compelled to share this because it totally changed my perspective on a lot of things. I hope that you can relate.

In the last 6 months of frantic travel, work, schoolwork (currently at 40+ hours a week), and wedding planning life has been crazier for Dave and I than it has ever been.  I think when people get that busy with so many juggling priorities relationships get less attention than they normally do.  And thats not to say they're ignored or that there are major problems of any kind but simply that they fall somewhere in the top 5 of things going on on your life instead of the top 2.  As a result, I've been - we've been, feeling a little distanced from each other.  Let me be clear: we're not falling apart at the seams, we're just not spending the kind of quality time simply being with each other relaxing that we would normally like.

And last night, after I got back some exam scores that were good grades - no doubt they were good grades - but not what I had hoped for or expected based on the amount of time I'd invested in the courses I started to freak. out.  Dave was at acapella, and I was just trying to slowly take one task at a time and get over being a little upset. I figured - let's make myself some dinner and just put homework aside for an hour.  I started to pull out some meat for dinner - simple, right?  WRONG.  Its frozen into the ice cube tray. I patiently took everything out of the freezer and carefully removed the ziploc bag from being frozen into the ice tray only to spray ice all over the kitchen trying to put the tray back into the freezer.  Okay! Not freaking out. Going to poor myself a drink. I pulled out my pitcher of lemonade and just swirled it to mix it up and somehow it sprayed all over me and the kitchen. Okay! Not freaking out. I cleaned it up and took a glass from the cabinet and dropped it on the floor.  Okay! Still, not freaking out.  I can't even make myself a freaking drink without it causing a huge debacle, but I'm not going to freak out.  I open the freezer to get an ice cube and somehow half the freezer came crashing down.  Now I'm freaking out. FREAKING. OUT.  My life is in shambles, I have no time to myself or my friends or my fiance and on top of that none of it is paying off in my grades.

So I did what I normally never do.  I called Dave to ask him to come home.  I needed him to come home, and just be there with me and hold my shit together for me, because I could no longer do it myself.  There must have been something in my voice, because as soon as I called him the first sentence out of his mouth was "I'm coming home."  I immediately felt stupid.  I spilled ice for crying out loud. You don't need to come home, its just ice. Also, I'm losing my brain.  Allow me to demonstrate this through incoherent flipping out about school, wedding, work, and life.  Dave stayed on the phone with me his entire drive all the way until he opened the door and walked into the kitchen.  I have no idea what Dave showing up did - he didn't actively do anything. He didn't clean up the kitchen, he didn't do my homework for me he just showed up.  And told me that he would always show up, and thats when I realized something.

Thats part of what this marriage thing is going to be all about.  When I can't hold my shit together, when I'm losing my brain I know that I can count on Dave to drop everything to keep me together on my behalf, and to talk me down from the ledge.  Its a very rare thing for me to throw my hands up in the air and say '"I can't do this. I need you here."  That Dave could walk into my kitchen and just follow me around for 3 hours so I could get it together was amazing to me.  Its not an easy thing to be able to talk to someone when they're irrational and emotional in the exact way that they need you to talk to them and this is just one of the many things that Dave does that lets me know that he's my perfect match.

I don't feel bad that I freaked out - I'm glad I finally lost my cool over the insanity that is happening right now.  It demonstrated to me that when I'm at my wit's end, its all still going to be okay.  And it closed that distance between us in an instant.  I can't get through any of this alone, I can only get through it all with Dave following me as I walk in circles around the kitchen and living room venting about school.  I know this won't be the only time that things are hard, but I do know that we'll always be able to at least be together.

On a conference call last night with classmates *Names changed to protect the guilty*:

Joe: "...and I'll work with Lenni on that."

Me: "Thats because Joe is totally in love with me"

Bob: "But really, Lenni - who isn't?"

Alex: "I was just about to say the same thing!"

Joe: "Yeah, I know I'm in the triple-digits for my membership in that club."

Me: "I just let you THINK you're only in the triple digits.  I'm clearly into the quads by now."

This term for school blows.  I know, I know - its a good experience, blah blah blah.  The problem is less the insane amounts of work,and I do mean insane than it is the frustrating fact that a good chunk of it is busy work.  One class has been particularly challenging for me and my classmates and not because its making us think and we're working hard to learn something, but because its full of copious amounts of useless work in assignments and then regurgitation of the exact same work into an exam.  And we're not talking a little bit of extra time spent doing this busywork.  I worked 9am-10:30pm on Saturday and did another 9 hours of work on Sunday.  That was on top of the 5 hours each night I did Monday-Friday.  I'm a fairly efficient worker, and allow me to assure that the smartest people in my class have all spent the same amount of time on these assignments.  I think there's a lack of understanding of the kind of student a part-time student is.  They're part time - they have a lot on their plate already and while we're all prepared to devote what used to be some semblance of 'free time' to our coursework, we are not prepared to devote all of our free time to coursework that is teaching us absolutely nothing.  Its extremely frustrating and aggravating.  This is the first time I've really been upset about it.  I've been patient while my other classmates have written letters to the administration and generally griped but after the third weekend in a row of this nonsense I'm pretty frustrated and completely burnt out.  I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the next 8 weeks if this pace continues but I know I will find a way.  What compounds it is the fact that I'm currently not permitted any time off.  I could use an extra day at home right about now and its looking like that will be hard to come by.  Not to worry - I do still have 34 days of vacation this year and boy will those days be NICE.

I'm very much looking forward to getting the next 8 weeks completed, there are lots of good changes to come in 8 weeks' time, at work and with school and here's to hoping the time flies.

What happened to Spring? How come we don't get a Spring anymore? We go straight from 40 degree weather to 98 degree weather, and Mother Nature - I veto this plan.  I'm sort of okay that Summer is so quickly upon us, mostly because I'm extremely ready for it to be over.  The start, means the beginning of the end.  There will be some work changes for me over the next two months and I'm really looking forward to them.  They can't happen soon enough in my mind, but I will be patient.

Plus, lots of good things happen at the end of the summer - I get to go to Geneva (whoo hoo!), and then its Fall and holy shit I get married in the Fall.  Like MARRIED, married. With a husband.  I'm really excited for our wedding, I'm so glad all our loved ones are going out of their way to be here for us and celebrate with us.  I think its going to be a great party, and lots of fun.  I'm genuinely looking forward to it.

As for wedding planning, I think I'm the laziest bride ever.  The lady at our venue site freaked out when I called her a couple of weeks ago asking if there was, like, you know, something I was supposed to be doing.  "OHMYGOD. YOU HAVE TO GET IN HERE! THERE ARE DECISIONS!" oh. uh, okay!  Listen here people, I've never done this before..so I'm happy to decide any thing you'd like but I didn't think there were that many decisions.  Food? Check. Music? Check. Clothes? Check.  What else is there?  Oh the details of those things, you say?  Hm. Okay, I guess I should get to work on that stuff.

We actually made some good decisions about the bridesmaids gowns, and the groomsmens tuxes, and other attire.  I'm also super excited to have our rehearsal dinner at Iron Hill Brewery, and our next steps are to figure out the flowers (did you know they have a design? Really! They have a design!)  and cake. Mmm, CAKE.  I can't wait to do the cake part.  I'm still working on my wedding band, I'm just struggling to find something I really love.  I had been thinking about getting a ring with sapphires in it, but they're all either way too expensive or not what I'm really looking for.  I may just be getting a simple platinum band, which I also really like too.  So I think I've made some good progress, but there's still lots to do.  

I just can't wait to spend time with my girlfriends getting ready, and celebrating all night.  I'm looking forward to being surrounded by all the people who love us - what an honor that people would do that for us.  I've been very blown away by how excited and supportive our friends and family are, and we just feel so loved.  So, thank you to everyone who has been so kind and helpful for us over the last 6 months (can you believe its been that much time?!) and we can't wait to see you 4 months from now!

I think the goofy things I do while training are funny, but sometimes its hard to describe the hilarity.  Whenever I tell Dave about the bizarre thing I did or that happened that I thought was cool or hysterical the conversation goes something like this:

"And then, I did a bench press but like..backwards sorta, with like my arms over here and my legs, see my legs go over there. And it was awesome! And funny!"

*Blank Stare*  "Uh. yeah, thats hysterical dear."

So, I'm sorry if thats your reaction to this next story about my bench presses, but I think its mildly entertaining.

Last week I was doing dumbbell bench presses and on my last rep of my last set my left arm made it about halfway and then just..died.  My trainer eventually pulled on the weight and helped me finish the rep.  The second he let go the weight plummeted straight down, I apparently had no strength left.  And so the tongue lashing from the trainer began:

"Underwear! What the hell?! I'd prefer it if my clients didn't drop weights on their faces!"

"Dude. I had no idea it was going to do that. I promise I would have told you. But seriously - it didn't go to my face, it went to the SIDE of my face."

"It missed your ear by like a milimeter."

"Okay, okay! But I agree with you - I'd rather not hit myself in the face with the weights.  My arm just said..'fuck you, I'm out.' I couldn't help it!  Is that what 'muscle failure' feels like?"

"SIGH. Yes. Yes, thats what muscle failure feels like.  And warn me next time so I can at least TRY to catch it."

Right. Next time my muscle spontaneously gives up on me I'll send you a memo.

Today we were doing barbell bench presses.  He had racked itty bitty 'baby' weights as I called them and we did a high rep set (high reps = 15).  Seeing as how I called them 'baby' weights when I started means he added manual resistance on my last rep, pushing on the bar.  Last rep, last set again and this time I got halfway and he STOPPED me and made me push there and when he let go I couldn't move it any higher.  And worse, the weight started to come back DOWN.

"I'm soorrrrrrr-ry!"

Laughing. The bar is now SITTING on my chest. "What are you doing?"

"I can't lift it! I can't move it at all!"

More laughing.  He assisted the bar up and said "I think my favorite part was when you APOLOGIZED as the bar came rushing towards your neck."

I love weight lifting.

I know I've been talking about how busy I am - busy, ridiculously busy.  And I was thinking to myself, "Whatever, stop being such a whiner. Everyone's busy."

I just noticed 12 days after I got paid, that my paycheck was 30% lower than it should have been for some reason.  I sent an email to the HR department, I'm sure there's some good reason, but seriously - shouldn't I have noticed something like that oh, I don't know 12 DAYS AGO?

I suppose I could credit my very good budgeting skills, saying I saw the lower amount in my account and just adjusted my spending over the last 12 days. But honestly, I've just been too busy to really analyze my accounts like I normally do.  Scary, huh?

Speaking of accounts - we just started the process of opening our, dun dun dun dun...JOINT account.  I know I agreed to marry him - but share my money? When did I agree to that?

I can't believe I'm one exam from finishing my first trimester at Thunderbird.  I get one week off and then its time to start the dreaded second trimester.  And I do mean dreaded.  It has only half a credit more, but we have no less than 4 assignments due every week - plus midterms, projects, and finals oh my!  I've got a great group I joined for 'competitive strategy' - how's that for strategy, making our team three weeks before the class starts?  But before I get to any of that I have still my Global Political Economy exam left. I just finished my Accounting final exam, and it was such a beast of a class I'm contemplating what exactly I should do with my text book - burn it? drown it? shred it?  Not sure yet.

Speaking of horribly difficult things...this year has sucked miserably so far - but it looks like things might be starting to turn around soon.  My California travel is concluding after one more week out there in mid-May.  For those of you at home counting, thats 8 weeks in just under 5 months.  I have no idea how I planned 1/2 my wedding and took 4 classes but I know that there's no way I could pull that off again, and so thankfully I was able to work something out. 

Normally when I'm backed into a corner like I have been recently I get feisty.  The best way to silence critics is to give them nothing to critique you about.  But what do you do, when you HAVE given your best and now you are being critiqued about who you are as person?  Its a really negative place to be, and I just have been agonizing over what I can do to try to make it better.  I know I can't change people's minds, but I'm not good at just accepting that some people are assholes and that its not me - its them.  I was listening to "Gunpowder & Lead" by Miranda Lambert after my exam and I was like "Hey wait! Where'd my feisty go?!"  I think I need a little more feisty in me on these issues, enough to be able to just "Whatever" the assholes, and keep my own confidence and feistiness about everything else.  So I'm going to make this song my mantra for the next few months until I can close out some things.  Because Miranda's right: they ain't seen me crazy yet.

Chorus:
"I'm going home gonna load my shotgun, wait by the door light a cigarette.
He wants a fight, well now he's got one and he ain't seen me crazy yet
Slapped my face and shook me like a ragdoll, don't that sound like a real man?
I'm going to show him what a little girl's made of: Gunpowder and Lead.
His fist is big, but my gun's bigger - he'll find out when I pull the trigger."

Via Text Message:
"Dude, traffic in Phoenix is sucking life right now!"

"Are you texting and driving?  Or is traffic that bad on strippers row that you're stopped?"

"No, I stopped in for a lap dance to wait out the traffic, of course."

"No time for the champagne room?"

"There's no sex in the champagne room."

"Only people who have never been in the champagne room say that."

"Damn! Thats why I like you, you tell it like it is."

Me: "How's the dog doing? Has Dad run over him in the driveway anymore?"
Brother: "He's doing fine. He's really lazy, he just lays around all day."
Me: "Dad, or the dog?"

I was talking to Mike again today because he's awesome and everyone should talk to Mike everyday. But you can't because he doesn't have that much time.  Also, I've called dibs.  I was telling him about how he can convince people of anything because he's sexy like that, and then launched into some solid reasoning for why my wedding should include a dramatic dance to "Always" by Bon Jovi because when I say his name? I understand. He's made mistakes. He's just a man.  And Mike said to me:

"PS, nice touch on flirting with me and talking about your wedding in almost the same sentence"

And while I'm telling you about funny conversations I've had with Mike, I should share with you another story. I'm going to Geneva in August for more Thunderbird deliciousness, and I was talking to Mike about how I really wanted to be roomates with Cameron in Geneva.  But what if she doesn't like me? Or thinks I smell funny? Maybe I should just pass her a note in study hall saying "Will you be my roomate? Check a box: Yes, No, Maybe?"

When we found out we do indeed get to pick our roomates in Geneva I got a message from Cameron that said "You + Me = Roomates in Geneva? Yes? No? Maybe?"

Awww. Its like we have ESPN or something.  We're totally soul mates.  Or Mike told on me.  Either way, our room is totally going to be the "Room of Hotness" while we're there.