3 posts tagged “daddy”
I emailed my Daddy to tell him I was going to stop by and pick up my veil from his house for my hair trial. He said:
"Not going to ask what a 'hair trial' is, but I'm sure its really important."
I think thats pretty much describes the entire wedding process from his perspective.
As I listened to the crunch of the shovel on dirt tonight as my step-mom and Dad dug the hole for our family dog's grave I felt like my life at 16 and my life at 26 were colliding into one giant mess in my chest. Everything seemed the same, but everything is completely and totally different. In fact, things couldn't be more different, and I never expected my life at 26 to be so radically far from my life at 16 in all the wrong ways. I stared at the house I grew up in, and it looks so familiar. But its devoid of everything that made it the home I remember. I'm together with my parents as I will always remember it, but now they're separated and everything's the same and everything's not the same.
We lowered Goblin into the ground and stared silently at the dark hole, and thought about what a great puppy he was. He used to jump over the back of the couch light as a feather. He loved when I walked him because I gave him treats after every single walk and not just the ones at the beginning and end of the day. Daddy casually asked Jane how old he was, and we do the math and figure out he was 84 in "people years." The same age Grandpa was when he died last year. And today is in fact, three days from the anniversary of my Grandpa's death. Daddy says he thinks they planned it, a giant scheme to fool us all. It would be so like them.
We start to cover his grave and Daddy turns to Jane and says, "You better show your face around here again in a few weeks. The neighbors will start to wonder, 'Hey, we haven't seen Jane in awhile...and Tom was digging a giant hole in the back yard..' and then the cops will be at my door." We burst into genuine laughter. A few minutes later my Dad notices that the label on the box Goblin is in says "JANE" on it in giant letters. "Does that have your NAME on it? I'm so getting arrested."
It was then that I realized, that its not the things that make my life feel like its falling apart that are making me strong. Its the ties to the people I love who are still here that are making me stronger. Only my family could possibly think that the dog and my grandfather colluded to DIE at the same age at the same time. Only my family could make real jokes out of digging a grave. The past 12 months have been extraordinarily trying for me. My grandfather died, my parents separated, Dave's struggled to find a job, and then - then, Goblin died. I've felt like the walls of my life have been crumbling around me. I've tried very hard to think of the silver lining in all this "he's in a happier place" etc. I have news for you folks. That stuff is just bullshit to make you feel better until you can genuinely come to terms with what you're dealing with. And there's nothing wrong with that. But I always knew it was just the facade that was hiding what I really felt. And what I really felt was anger. I realized tonight that what ties me to the ones I've lost is my sense of humor. The things Daddy said - I swore I heard them in Grandpa's voice. Thats exactly what he would have said. I can only hope that I can learn that from my Dad, so I can share that piece of my Grandpa with my kids. Its not about his "better place" but its about how we come together in his memory and laugh. Loudly.
At Grandpa's funeral, with our eyes full of tears my Dad, Jane and I found ourselves mangled together, enormously long limbs twisted uncomfortably in a strange, wet kind of group hug. Daddy then busts out with "Oh, he'd be laughing now to know he somehow got us all into this group hug." Yes. Indeed he would. And so would Goblin.
My father is an engineer, and he loves to work with his hands. For a long time he pursued his dream of being an independent contractor and owned his own business and he really loved it for a while. He is phenomenally talented and even built the house that I lived in through all of high school and he still lives in to this day. And as talented as he is, he was always very humble and patient. He never rushed, he always measured twice and cut once. He liked power tools, but he always seemd to make do with the basics, nothing too fancy or too specialized. However, when it comes to light bulbs there is never enough power for him.
Its a famous story in my father's household the time he bought and installed the light bulbs for the dining room chandelier. It required 8 tiny candle-shaped light bulbs. Which my father managed to find in 100 watts. Thats right, the dining room my step-mother so carefully decorated to be an elegant atmosphere lit up like a bon-fire with 800 watts of light in it. He explained to us that he had used restraint, because he really wanted to buy the ones that were 200 watts. Daddy patently refused to buy light bulbs of less wattage, and so instead for as long as I've known it we've only ever had four light bulbs in our dining room chandelier.
Just a couple of years ago Daddy installed motion-sensored lights for the walkway to the front door. Daddy thought this motion sensor lights idea was brillant and wanted to install them all over the house. He changed his mind when my step-mom pointed out to him that since the light bulbs in the bathroom are a glaring 150 watts, stumbling into there in the middle of the night to have them flash on at you, he might suddenly feel like he was under investigation by the FBI for daring to move in the middle of the night - and additionally they might question him about how could he put anything lower than 200 watts in the bathroom for chrissakes?
Flash forward to yesterday, when the light in my Mickey Mouse night table light that I've had since I was a baby burnt out. MD immediately said "Oh, don't worry - I just bought some new light bulbs. There should be some 40 watt ones in the closet downstairs." I stared agape at him and asked "They MAKE light bulbs that low in wattage?" I immediately emailed my father today telling him this story and he wrote back to me saying "Yes, Lauren. Unfortunately they DO make light bulbs that low - but they're not REAL light bulbs. And no daughter of mine should be installing light bulbs under 75 watts! I think I used those 40 watt "light bulbs" in your Mickey Mouse night lights as a baby!" I have a good guess at what MD's getting for Christmas from my father this year.
